I WAS Just Acting!

The WHOLE month of November -- not ONE lick of exercise. I guess I was so obsessed w/learning lines and 6-day-a-week-3-hours-a-shot rehearsals it absorbed so much of my time.

I’m not proud of THAT. I’m just saying…

I was having a difficult time learning lines. I don’t know whether it’s my age, my IQ or simply the methods I usually apply weren’t working for me this time out. In fact, there was a point at several of the LATE rehearsals when I was still ‘on-book‘, that I threw myself [joyfully it seemed] into a full-blown PANIC ATTACK.

I don’t know why or how it suddenly happened. Negative self-talk sure is something!

I remember thinking [or talking to myself]: Remind me why the hell you consider this fun. Are you SURE there’s no way we can get out of this commitment without looking like a total ass? I mean, MORE of an ass than you look like now carrying-around-the-script-and-the-show-opens-in-less-than-a-week ASS?? Who ARE you to think that you could DO this?

Yeah.

It was bad. I made it sooooooooo difficult for myself.

To be fair, it was a difficult role for me. As much as I am a Bitch, no one likes to really ADMIT it. And I am no where NEAR the Bitch that my character was… it took an awful lot for ME to be that Bitchy. Partly because I had a heart for the character. I didn’t WANT her to be a character… she needed to be REAL. You might HATE her, but it was a sincere hatred. Not pity.

You see -- one of the most difficult things about ‘creating’ a character -- is NOT acting, but rather BEING.

I didn’t want to create a CHARACTER -- I wanted her to be as REAL as I could make her.

I must have succeeded.

The three most important people in my life?

Either outright told me they HATED the show -- or have yet to say anything about it.

Look. I’ll be honest. I don’t NEED a whole lot. I don’t need a pat on the back -- I know that I tried my best and that’s what it was about for me.

But to not say a word -- like you were NEVER even THERE?

Well that must mean something. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that means it was a little TOO CLOSE to home.

So.

At the risk of dislocating my shoulder, I’ll reach around a pat myself on the back for a BITCHIN’ job.

Huh

The three people who know me best were most effected.

Interesting.

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Updated: 1/5/07