367 Lbs.

367 lbs. on May 17, 2004.

I wish I could tell you how I got this big. To be honest, I don't know. It just sorta happened. I mean, it's no big surprise. In 8th grade I was 150 lbs.

I was sooooo unhappy in 8th grade. I was in love for the first time. I found music. Not just any music, but a love of music that would last a lifetime.

I also found depression and disappointment.

I know no good musician is without the acknowledgement of those things. I thought, well, I don't know what I thought. I could control them? They weren't the demons that have propelled AND discouraged me all these years?

So, when I ended up in the hospital May 20th, 2004, it shouldn't have come as any great surprise that I was exausted. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. It seems that every aspect of my life was effected.

The roller coaster of life was coming to a complete and utter dip and unable to make it up the next incline.

I wonder what took so long. I could probably debate that for many hours over MANY drinks. It wouldn't change things. I am where I am and I have to go from here.

So.

Here is the great Friday Weigh-In at the doc's to keep me accountable. (These sessions were MY request.)

After my discharge from the hospital, May 25, 2004, I was on a 1800 calorie a day diet. Sugar-free, Low-Sodium, Low Carbs.

June 4th, 2004, I went for my follow-up at the doc's. I was down 12lbs. at 355.

Lord-a-mercy, it was working. At least this week.

June 11th, 2004 - 350.

June 18, 2004 - 349.

June 25, 2004 - 347.

July 2, 2004 - 343.

And this week, July 9, 2004 - 341.

And I'll take it. Every measly ounce. I've made up my mind that I don't HAVE a choice. This is my life. I can chose to continue and let the Diabetes take control and RULE my life OR I can fight to stave off the demons.

I started walking June 5th. I admit, sometimes it's hard. Some days I just do NOT feel like it. But I make strides when I can. 3-4 days per week. I'm trying. I have people, friends who will hold me accountable. I need that more than anything. They've accepted me the way I am, but they also want to see me healthy.

Where do I go from here? I dunno.

The doc says: We'll get you down to 160.

I don't mean to sound discouraging, but um, yeah. Look, I'd just settle for a more realistic goal right now. You bet your ass I'd like to be 160 lbs. I'd also like to be 300 lbs. first and we'll take it from there.

I have found it quite difficult to cook for one person. I don't have a problem cooking, I have a problem with left-overs and eating them for the next 3 days. I went to the store and found Low-Cal frozen dinners. It not only gives me choice, it's quick, easy and little clean-up is involved.

One of the 'rules' I've set for myself, no entree is to be over 300 calories. As far as I am concerned, VEGGIES (except potatoes) are free food.

Baby Steps.

It may work for the time being and when it stops being effective, then we'll search out another alternative. I'm not afraid of being focused, sometimes to the point of obsession, which isn't appropriate either. Singleminded-ness. Keeping on track.

I have made it my objective to be as honest as I can here. For myself, no other. I have to do this for me. I have to believe that I deserve it.

As much heartache as I've seen in the past two years, I've also seen just as much good. Perhaps I've spent too much time dwelling on the heartache and not enough on the good. It's time to make the change.

Until next time, make healthy choices.

Updated: 1/5/07